


your name on my cast

by ashleykay



Category: Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Past Child Abuse, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 11:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleykay/pseuds/ashleykay
Summary: There are moments that matter more than others. They are not the ones that would play on the screen but ones that define what we are. Anne has them all with Gilbert Blythe.Alt. Universe. Anne comes to Green Gables earlier. And Gilbert is the first friend she makes.





	your name on my cast

**Author's Note:**

> titles taken from elliott smith's no name no. 5.
> 
> Alt universe. I don't know. I just had an idea. This is what came of it. As always all errors are mine and mine alone. 
> 
> If you want add me at gilblytheofavonlea on tumblr and we can talk about all the things. if I add back it will be from bobrosspaintsthegoldengirls.

 

**{a head full of the past}**

 

Anne came to Avonlea on a Wednesday, the sun was trying desperately to peak between the grey clouds that hovered over head. The sun was failing and the day seemed lonesome and bleak.

 

She had been on the train for three days, and she was tired in away that left her eyes burning. Anne had turned nine sometime in the last three months but it did not show, in the fact that her baby curves had fallen into a sunken small face. She saw this in the reflection of herself in train glass and it made her ache in a way that she had thought she had outgrown. Katie Maurice was lost to the too wide eyes and the scared way she could not linger on her face to long.

 

She turned toward the front and left her image still showing in the window. She was frightened, what if they did not want her. What if they sent her back. Anne could not return to the asylum. No, the thought of it was to much. She had been returned twice now and she could not bare another time.

 

So Anne had made up her mind, if they did not keep her she would simply walk away. She would become a fairy and live in whatever woods and trees she could find. She would turn herself into a spirit and forge a new life among the wild things.

 

She swallowed back the tears, no she thought, no, she could not go back. Not to the cruel headmaster, the terrible girls and the hot smell of sweat and sickness. She only allowed herself a moment to think of the real Katie Maurice. The little thing with sad brown eyes and the way they had clung to each other till the end. She quelled the thought. It would not do now to remember.

 

Anne decided that she would no longer live that way. No she would rather die. Because at least then she would see her parents, she would finally have arms to welcome her, to keep her.

 

The train lurched to a stop and her stomach turned. But she held her head high, she was young and afraid but she knew enough of the world to not show that fear. She knew what it was to allow others to see the terror in her, the Smiths, the last home she had been with had taught her that. How to use her fear as a weapon, to exploit it for meanness. It had given them the ability to hurt her. And Anne Shirley might be young but she refused to be hurt any longer.

 

As the bell sounded she made her way to the station, there through the window as she exited she noticed the tall wide birch tree that towered over the station. She imagined what it would be like to be a little bird there. Wings and hollow bones. Yes, she thought, if she were a blue jay or a slight robin, she would make a place in that tree. A little thicket of sticks she could sleep in, next to the soft white flowers and sweet smells. She would flap her wings among the branches and they would flutter at the might of her, despite her size. She would nest in that birch tree but the sky would be her home.

 

She was so caught up in being a little bird that she did not notice that she was standing on the platform, but she heard a voice call out to her.

 

“Are you lost?”

 

He was a tall broad shouldered man and it took all of Anne's will not to startle backwards.

 

“No.” She said in her clearest, most assured voice. “I am waiting for Matthew Cuthburt.”

 

His eyes widened and for a moment he said nothing. It was enough for her heart beat to quicken. It made her think of all the terrible things it could mean. What if Matthew was a bad man, a wicked one.

 

Finally he spoke. “Matthew?”

 

She nodded. And she noticed for the first time a person behind the man. It was a boy, who could not be much older than her. His dark eyes seemed to open her up. She refused to stare at him.

 

“Do you know him?” She asked, but it was not what she wanted to say. She wanted to question him. To pepper him with words, asking if Matthew or Marilla were kind, if they laughed. If they would keep her or love her or need her. But she said nothing of the sort.

 

“Yes, we live near the Cuthburts. Our orchard borders them a little to the north.” He looked at her with such kind eyes. “I didn't know they had sent for someone.” He tilted his head slightly but he grinned. “John Blythe.” He said it as his hand came out toward her and he must have saw the small flinch she was unable to cover quick enough. His mouth twitched and his eyes grew sadder. She swallowed down the lump that was forming in her throat. But she took his hand anyway. 

 

“Well, I am pleased to meet you Mr. Blythe. I am Anne, that's with an e, Shirley. I was sent from Bolingbroke.”

 

“Well it is very lovely to meet you. And this here is Gilbert.” His hands pushed at the boy. “We might not have heard of you because we are just coming back from visiting relatives.”

 

She again glanced at the boy. Those deep endless eyes, they seemed to dark for such a small boy. They were just slightly red and she had seen the reflection of herself enough to know that he had been crying And she felt a sudden wild urge to pull him to her, to wrap him in her arms and whisper as a mother would to him. To tell him that everything would be okay. But she could see, sitting like a living thing the cruel spirit of death on the crown of his head. And Anne Shirley was many things, but she wasn't a lair and she knew there were some things that could not be whispered away.

 

“It's nice to meet you, Gilbert.” She stuck out her own hand at him. And slowly he took it. His hand was cold.

 

“You too.” His voice was thin and scratchy.

 

They stared at each other a moment to long and she wanted to say something to him, but she could not think what would be right to tell him.

 

“Do you know when Matthew was due to arrive?”

 

“No, sir. When I had last heard he was to be here to meet the train, but I only saw you.”  


“Don't worry, he should be here soon then. We will wait with you.”

 

She shook her head. “That is all right, Mr. Blythe. I am not afraid to be alone. And I had decided that if he did not show, I would climb that tree there and stare at the sky. It is such a lovely tree, and the sun seems to trying to peek through the clouds. It is such a wonderful thing to have a day worth sitting in. And I should like to experience it all.”

 

Though she noticed Mr. Blythe's smile, but it was Gilbert Blythe's eyes she saw. The red rims and the heavy lidded look. But there was a small almost hidden smile on his face.

 

“Well it is a good day and a wonderful tree. But I think we should stay and get to know our new neighbor. It isn't very often Avonlea gets a new person. It will be nice for once to get a bit of insider knowledge before Rachel Lynde gets a hold of you.”

 

So they sat with her on the bench in the  barely cool day surrounding them. She was not a child that was good at silences. She hated the empty space of them. But she could not think of a thing to say at the moment. She wanted to thank them for their kindness. She was not use to it, and it felt as if she had stepped into the sun.

 

**{sweet sweet smile that's fading fast}**

 

After Matthew and Marilla had gone to bed, she had gathered up her small belongings and crept from the house. If they did not want her, she could live. But she would not go back to the asylum. She would go to the little woods her and Matthew had rode passed. She could see herself there, living among the tall trees and finding a nice little meadow to sleep in. It would be cold soon, but she had read once of small shelters in large woods and she was sure she could make one.

 

It was dark, the moon who's light was blinking from the clouds, gave her no comfort. The shadows jumped out from behind trees and fence posts. But she pushed down the terror. It would not do for a forest spirit to be afraid of what lurked around at night. Not if this was to be her new home.

 

“What are you doing out here so late?”

 

She jumped back and choked on the scream. She looked at the figure wildly for a moment before she remembered. It was the boy from the train station. The dark eyed child that made her feel tenderness at his crown of sorrow.

 

“What are you doing out here?” She jutted out her chin and spoke.

 

“I couldn't sleep.” He was all shadows. But she wasn't afraid of him.

 

“I am going to live in the woods.” She had not meant to say that. She had been thinking of telling that she to couldn't sleep.

 

“Why would you do that?” He was no closer to her than when they had started talking but she felt him surround her all the same.

 

It would do her no good to show fear or vulnerability, so she made up her mind to tell him nothing. Instead she opened her mouth, “They are going to send me back. They don't want me, they want a boy. An older boy. They have no use for a little girl.” The tears came to her eyes again. And she bit her lip to stop them.

 

Now he was closer, his small boy hand at her shoulder. He smelled of wood and lamp oil. And she wasn't sure why but it deepened her need to cry.

“Then they can't be very smart. You seem like the kind of person to keep around.” It was such a small thing to say but it made her chest ache, because she could not forget that no one had ever said anything like that to her before. She had never been worth keeping.

 

“They seem nice enough, but I can not go back to the asylum. So I am going into the woods and I will build myself a little nest there in the trees and I will become a small spirit and I will dance among the grass and dirt and I will be sprite. I will be accepted as a part of the forest. So I won't be lonely at all.”

 

His hand was still on her shoulder. But trailed down to her wrist and settled in her hand. His fingers wound with hers. It been a long time since another child had held on to her like this. Like she was the one to be comforted. As if she was the one to be held.

 

“That sounds nice. It would be fun I guess to live away from everything. I think I would miss my father. But I can see you like that. You look like a fairy child.”

 

“Not really, it's the awful red hair. I am sure beautiful woodland creatures don't have red hair.”

 

He did not let go of her hand but his head tilted, looking at her so curiously. She felt self conscious, as if he were sizing her up. She went to pull her hand away. But he held it tight.

 

“No, your red hair makes it so you fit in more. It's sort of the color of the leaves in the fall. Or the sunset. It suits the woods. So do you. You look like a bird, or a fox. A wild little thing.”

 

She squeezed his fingers tighter, no one had been so kind. She knew that she was to wide eyed. Too skinny and her bones stuck out. But for a moment she felt as beautiful as she imagined she could be.

 

“Thank you.” She whispered it but it sounded so loud in the empty dirt street.

 

“Not that the forest doesn't suit you, but aren't you afraid? What will you eat?”

 

She hadn't figured that out yet. “I imagine that I would eat berries and maybe hunt. Although I do not want to cause harm to the animals.”

 

He nodded. “Of course. But instead, if you'd like, I could bring you food, and blankets and such. It would be like those stories. You know the ones where the people pay tribute to the forest by leaving offerings.”

 

“Yes. Yes, that would be okay.”

 

"And maybe if you get lonely in the woods, you could come to our house and eat dinner with us. It would be nice to have a spirit to talk to.”

 

Again she felt like crying for no real reason. “Yes,” she said. “I would like to talk.”

 

“I could walk you to the forest. It is awfully dark, are you sure I couldn't take you to Green Gables for tonight and tomorrow when it's light you can go and find a place for yourself. It would be easier to set up a nest then.”

 

In the distance she heard a rustle of some animal. She shivered and he squeezed her hand. “I suppose that would be very practical.” She agreed.

 

He smiled at her. His lips seemed stretched to thin. And she remembered the crown.

 

“Why can't you sleep?”

 

He was silently for a long moment. And she was worried that he would not like her for asking.

 

“My Aunt Temperance died.”

 

“Oh-”

 

“You don't have to say sorry.” He bit it out and then she did drop his hand. He made no move to reach for it again but he looked shaken. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be- It's only. Everyone says sorry. It seems silly for others to be sorry. They didn't know her. And if they did-” His laugh was as hollow as a bird bone. “She wasn't very kind or nice. She was a bit- She wasn't- She was the last Aunt I had. We, we were a large family once. My mother and aunts and my father and cousins. But it feels as if one by one we are being picked off. Dying out. Now it's just my father and me. And I can't sleep because what if something should happen. What if it ends up only me?”

 

She had nothing to tell him to that. There was a fear there that was real and possible. So she took his hand again. Let her fingers curl around his. And she closed the rest of the space between them. She let go of his hand to take him into her arms like she had wanted when they first saw each other. And she did whisper to him. Not words of things getting better but of hope and things she wished someone would say to her.

 

And she thought of the picture they must make, two small things holding on to each other in the darkness in a shared embrace. The crowns of sorrow that sat upon them.

 

In her head a moonlit night like this and holding onto someone would seem romantical. But instead it was the last thing she could think of. It was an embrace of sadness and understanding. She had spent so much time without a friend. Only her sweet Katie Maurice, who was buried and dust now.

 

This was a kindred being to her. And she would not wish it to be more than that. Not for something like romance which was fine in books. But would never be more than this. A union of hearts that thumped in shared bitter fear. It could be nothing compared to holding onto another as spirits in heaven must, for comfort and kindness.

 

He would in this moment mean more to her than any silly book hero could ever mean to anyone.

 

“I wish I did not have to leave Avonlea. I would like to stay and be friends with you. And tell each other our very souls.”

 

“Me too.” He said into the crook of her neck. “There is something about you that makes me think we were destined to be the best of friends.” Now she found herself crying and she could not stop. But he lifted away from her enough to wipe them away. “I could find away to bring you home with me. And I would keep you and we could talk whenever we like. And I would like to talk to you. I knew it when I saw you before, I thought that there was someone who would know. And you were. I was right.”

 

It broke her heart all the more. To know she must leave Avonlea after knowing it's sweetness.

 

But she knew she wouldn't be able to stay.

 

{ **'cos I am not going anywhere, obviously** }

 

Anne was a flighty thing, she did not mean to be. But she had spent so much of her life looking for the impossible and good that she did not know how to enjoy it when it was given instead of dreamed.

 

She was still hesitant to relax into life at Green Gables, she was sure that at any moment she would wake back on the train.

 

She shivered at the thought and twisted in between the large trees.

 

“Why if it isn't my favorite wood sprite.” She laughed and it sounded as clear as a bell.

 

“Hello Gil, I thought you were going to Charlottetown today?”

 

His smile faltered and his lovely eyes seemed to lose their light. “Well, my dad, he is feeling a bit unwell.”

 

She knew it wasn't the disappointment of not traveling. His old fears, the ones spoken not far from this spot just a three years ago seemed to be part of a prophecy.

 

He was going to end up as the only Blythe left.

 

“Well, we'll just have to make him some tea and I'll bring some tarts and I'll pick him the most scrumptious bouquet of wildflowers. Or apple blossoms, those are his favorites, right?” She loved John Blythe dearly, there was a kindness to him that she could not turn away from. And she did not want to imagine a world without his tall stature and funny stories.

 

“He would like that. He says it's been awhile since he last saw you.” Gilbert stepped closer, he had hit a growth spurt this winter and his legs and arms seemed too long. But she stilled liked the figure he cut. He was beautiful to her in a way that felt both natural and strange.

 

She found lots of surroundings beautiful and especially her sweet Diana. Who she was glad to have met after Marilla told her she was to stay always at Green Gables. But all those things could not compare to Gilbert who took her fear and her sorrow and was the first to hold onto it without throwing it back at her. It was Gilbert who was the first to talk to her of friendship and dreams and the first to hold her tight and not let her go.

 

And so to her, there could not be someone as beautiful as Gilbert who was so dear to her, that she could never see a world without him in it.

 

“I wanted to come over the other day but Marilla decided that it was a fine day to clean everything top to bottom and side to side. It was a furious thing, as if the Queen herself was coming for a visit.”

He laughed and walked along side her, pick up flowers as they strolled. “Do you still wish to live in the forest?”

Shrugging her shoulders, she sighed. “Sometimes, I guess.” She peaked at him sideways. “I am not use to being wanted anywhere, I keep thinking it is a dream and I should wake up. And I will be alone again. That I will be lying in the asylum and it will be worse then. Having had such a lovely idea of what it might be like to cared about, and know then, that it wasn't true.”

 

“It isn't a dream sweet Anne.” He plucked a little bluebell, it's flower wide and open and twisted it in her hair. “You are cared for and wanted. You are the closest of friends.”

 

She smiled so wide at him she was she her lips would split with the force of it. “I was just thinking that about you. My very dearest Gilbert. You have made me almost believe that it is the truest thing. Because you were the very first. Oh, now I see that Matthew loves me very much, I am his girl. And Diana does, she whispers it to me. That she loves me very much. And now, though it has been hard, I see it with Marilla too. She is not as...showy about her feelings. But it is there. But I can not help but think I am very lucky because Gilbert was the first.”

 

His smile was back as it was before. “Yes, I am glad I was the first, but more happy that I am not the last, you deserve to be loved by everyone who meets you. But don't forget, my father loves you too. He thinks of you as his own family.”

 

“Then I am luckier still. Did you know, I use to dream of becoming a bird and flying high and free. I thought it that day I came to Avonlea. I like to imagine I am something other than plain red haired little Anne. But sometimes I think of how much I have come to love this town and the people and I think it is very providential that God made me, me. Although I would have liked so much to have raven locks and less freckles. But Marilla says God does not make mistakes. But I think He must have come very close when it comes to my looks.” She was not looking at him then, her fingers grazing the long grass, the lovely orchard was ahead and she liked it so much she didn't want to pause and look at it, she wanted to be in the sweet smell.

 

But when she turned back Gilbert had come to a full stop. His face paused.

 

“What, Gil?”

 

“I do not think you are plain anything. And God couldn't make a mistake, especially with you. Your red hair is so Anne and it could not render you anything close to ordinary.”

 

“Oh, Gilbert, you don't have to speak so. I was just-”  


“I know what you were just doing and I wouldn't have you hide from me. Only I like you so well. And I would be angry if someone said those things to you. So I don't want you to say them to yourself.” Once she nodded at him, his smile was back. “A bird, then?”  


Again she nodded and held out her hand to him. He took it and they walked through the apple trees, looking for the sweetest ones.

 

“Yes, the birch tree at the station was were I wanted to nest.”

 

“Anne in a little home in the trees. It seems like you.”

 

She laughed a little but shook her head. “No. Not a home. I want the sky to be my home. I want only to land so I can sleep and then soar again.”

“Yes, that sounds more like you.” She noticed that his hands and grown larger too. His long fingers made hers look even tinier. “Anne who flies and doesn't know how to land. A wild bird or fox or spirit. That's how I see you.”

 

They walked awhile in silence, picking at flowers and apples.

 

“I think my dad is going to die.” Her throat closed but she grabbed his hand. “I know, Anne. I shouldn't say it. But I think it's true anyway. If I believed in things like curses, one most assuredly be on ours.”

 

“Gil-”

 

“If he goes, am I next?”

 

The tears did come then. “No, I wouldn't let you.”

 

His smile was wane and closed. “I don't think that helps.”

 

“It would, I would follow you and bring you back with me.” She pulled him close and now it was her that was so short that she had to rest her head on his chest. “Tragedy happens, Gil. We can't change it. But it isn't a curse. I don't think. It's terribly, terribly unfair. But if it did happen, with your father, you know you wouldn't be alone. I wouldn't leave you.”

 

His fingers tangled in her hair. “Yes, I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk that way. Of course I wouldn't leave you behind. Maybe instead I will become a bird with you.”

 

“Yes, that would work Gil, we will share a nest and home in the sky. We will be happy there I think. And we won't be lonely either.”

 

Later, after the tea and the tarts and soft low talks. After the sun had set and they'd both gone home, Anne would dream, and when she did, it was of Gilbert and his father and graves where parents were buried and she dreamed of the woods and love.

 

The dreams were sad and frightening. But she didn't feel lonely at all.

 

**{everybody's gone at last}**

 

Gil left two months after his father died. Anne had wept bitterly. She had remembered to do it in private, in the little east gable room. Her wonderful White Lady her only witness. She could not let Gil be quilted into staying. Not when she remembered how his father wished for him to experience more than just the orchard.

 

But it did not help the soreness of her heart.

 

But he had come back to her and to Avonlea eventually. And she had never been so happy.

 

And now he was due to leave her again. She was nineteen now and it was best to act as grown up as she was. But secretly she did not know if she could go so long without her friend.

 

Marilla left her alone as much as she could. She knew Anne well enough to know how she was hurting. And she was but she did not show it to Gilbert. She smiled and laughed and begged him to write if he could. She wanted to hear of his adventures so far away in medical school.

Diana to could see what really played in her head. And she knew deep down that Gilbert must to. But he was nearing twenty one. And his school was almost done, medical school was all that was left.

He had told her when he had returned the first time that he was thinking of becoming a doctor. And she was so proud of him. Of how far that sad little boy had come.

But it did not mean she would not miss him.

So she talked this time to the White Lady and to the woods and for the first time since they had met she did not talk to Gilbert about those things. It would do no good. It would not be fair to keep him.

She was a little in love with him. Maybe she always had been. It would only be right, that the first to love her, would be the only one she could ever love.

But she knew enough to hold it in. They were different breeds. She was just a little to wild, and she was not ashamed of that. She did not wish it away. Just as she had stopped wishing away the freckles and the hair and wishing for curves. She was happy being Anne, even if she was a little plain and ordinary. It was enough to be her.

But Gilbert, though he tried, was not prone to dreaminess or freedom like her. He preferred his structure and routine. And she was glad at him for it. She would not change him either.

“Little Anne. What are you doing out here so late?"

She grinned back at Gil, her eyes still watery. “Taking an old time ramble in the woods. You know this is where I belong.”

 

“You've been crying.” The rest of him had caught up with his arms and legs. And she blushed to think of how much she liked looking at him. “What has this spirit so upset?” As if they had gone back to being sorrowful little children, his fingers brushed back the tears that had started to fall.

“Oh nothing, just silliness.”

He humphed, “Anne being silly? Never would believe that.”

She laughed again. “Don't make fun of me.”

“Never. I will laugh with you, never, never at you.” His fingers had not left her cheeks although she had stopped crying. “Now what is it. I will slay whatever dragons are harassing you.”

 

“Oh there is no dragons. I am just thinking of old things. Good things. And maybe some sad. But I am fine.”

“What are you thinking of?”

 

She did not want to tell him. It seemed so silly that she would miss him so much. She was a bird meant to fly. Not a girl meant to marry and be domesticated. But he was her Gil ans she could never lie to him.

 

“Of the first time we met here. And other times. We did have so much fun here and some lovely talks.”

 

“You are talking as if we never will again. I am only going to school, I won't be there forever.”

 

Her eyes filled again. And her mouth worked before her mind. “It won't be the same. Not really. You will go off and you should and you will come back different. I know it. And so will I, I am going to teach at the girl's school and when I return it will be for a visit and the trees will have become different to me. And so will you. We are leaving it all behind. Can't you feel it?”

 

Though he wasn't touching her now, he was still so close she could feel his breath against her wet cheek. “I suppose that's true. We will change. But it doesn't matter how long I am gone. Or where I go. You are what I always return to. Don't you know that? That you taught me to fly, a long time ago, and where I fly you fly with me. And when I land, it is you that is my nest. I thought you knew. That everything in the world can change but this can not. Not how I feel for you.”

 

She was wide eyed and her mouth opened in short puffs of breaths. She had not known. She could not imagine that he loved her too. He must have read the look in her eyes.

 

“Yes, Anne. Yes, I love you. And I would like to be with you, always.”

 

“I wouldn't make a very good-”

 

“I have heard you say it before. It is a good thing I don't believe you. You would make the perfect wife for me. You are the only wife for me.”

 

Her eyes fluttered shut and she swallowed, and then she stood on her toes and kissed his chin, his lips and he clench of his jaw.

 

“You are the only husband for me. I didn't think you'd like a wild thing like me.”

 

“I do. I love you, little forest spirit. And I have liked you for a very long time.”

 

“Then let's fly together, Gil. Let's nest together. Let's live in woods and a house and the sky.”

 

“Yes, everywhere we are together. Let's make that our home.”

 

She threw her arms around him. And he held her tight. Here in there woods and here where they first embraced.

 

Here where they were home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
